Zingerman's

Zingerman's is a fancy food company based in Michigan that will make you look like a badass, if pretentious, gift giver come Christmas. I'm all
for the traditional Hickory Farms box o' nitrates (like my friend Mike
says, "If it don't give you heartburn, it ain't worth it"), but save
that for your Nana in Phoenix. Send Zingerman's to your foodie friends
in Portland so they can start introducing little Matilda and Mordechai
to the wonders of Quebecois goat butter.

I like the gift themed baskets, like the Weekender — two kinds of
brownies, a loaf of crusty bread, a jar of mustard, honey and preserves,
coffeecake and cheese.

But for the truly fun stuff you have to veer away from the gift
packages and into the really specialty foods. I've already picked out
Parker's present. Don't tell her, but it begins with "duck" and ends
with "fat."

www.zingermans.com

Wouldn't kick him out of bed: Patrick Wilson

Pregnant tits

I've made something of a career out of being the flat-chested sidekick of a number of better endowed friends -- D cup Sarah; Julie of fuckingrad fame, who's deluded herself into believing that men are really staring at her stunning posture; Laura, who has such magnificent breasts that my fashion-challenged husband can actually remember what her shirts look like. (That blue one that makes her tits look great. That striped one that makes her tits look great. And on.)
As for myself, I've always possessed your standard issue B cups. Nothing flashy. They're set a little too far apart on my rib cage to ever hope for cleavage. You know how Joan Rivers' plastic surgery has caused her eyes to migrate to a point about half an inch away from her ears? Well, those are what my tits look like, a little too cozy with my armpits to be sexy. In clothes, they get the job done, so long as I'm wearing a V neck sweater.
But then I got pregnant, the usual way, by getting drunk. Mostly, being pregnant sucks. And then your boobs grow. I visited a lingerie department and had the opinion confirmed by a trained bra fitter (I told my husband she was hot; she was really about 225 and had bad breath). My 34Bs were now 36 Cs. This was about 3 months ago. Admittedly, I've grown larger everywhere else during that time, too. But this weekend, I'm headed back to the lingerie department, where I have every hope of nestling my girls into a D cup. A D cup! I've heard that when my milk comes in I could get as big as a DD.
I'd have gotten pregnant in high school if I'd known this would happen.

Hot Whiskey

For when it's windy or rainy or too cold for mimosas.

2 ounces whiskey
1 slice lemon
hot water

Put the whiskey in a coffee mug or glass mug with a handle. Add lemon. Pour hot water on top.

Daptone Records

I'm kind of in love with the music put out by Daptone Records, especially Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Maybe it's because you never hear anything cool on the radio anymore, aside from anything by Justin Timberlake and that "Umbrella" song, but it just seems like a good for music made with actual instruments.

Sharon Jones is a belter, and the Dap-kings are the house band for Daptone Records. Which is rad, because it makes me think of the Funk Brothers (if you don't know what I'm talking about, then you really really need to watch "Standing in the Shadows of Motown") or the golden days of Stax. They also were the backing band for Amy Winehouse's album "Back to Black." They don't use any digital equipment, which is downright crazy, and the record label is stacked with soul revival bands like the Budos Band and the Mighty Imperials. Anyway, totally awesome.

And some of those Dap-kings are hot.

The songs of Marlene Dietrich

There are some people whose music you listen to who don't really have what one might call a good voice, but you have their records anyway because they write excellent songs (Tom Waits) or they're icons (Willie Nelson) or because there's no way that you could ever be a card-carrying American if you didn't (Madonna).

And then there's Marlene Dietrich. I got one of her albums because I thought it would be a nice campy addition to a cocktail party. I mean, in the pantheon of camp saints she's right up there with Joan Crawford and Ethel Merman. One of my friends says that in every song she sounds like she's saying, "I'm sooo tiiiiirrreed." But in German, which has the added bonus of making her sound like she's pissy at the same time. It's hard to argue with the camp factor when you hear her German version of "Surrey with the Fringe on Top." Which may be one of my prized possessions, by the way.

But last year I saw a documentary on her and, no shit, I bawled through the whole thing. What a fucking life. She stars in one of the most influential films of all time, "The Blue Angel," she comes to the United States, she's labeled box office poision, she makes a comeback, she renounces Nazism and becomes an American citizen. And then the U.S. goes to war.

She's separated from her mother and doesn't talk to her or find out her fate until after the war. She has to split up with her boyfriend for the duration of the war. She risks her life by speaking out against Hitler. She heads to the front lines and finds happiness entertaining GIs. The war ends and she feels she's lost her purpose; she's reunited with her boyfriend, but they've changed too much to go on; she longs for the camaraderie of the soldiers; she basically loses her movie career and heads to the last resort for all stars, Vegas; she feels that she's losing her looks and locks herself away so that her fans don't see her.

And you can hear all of that in her music. I have no idea what she's saying in half of the songs, but fuck all is it sad. Here are my favorites:

1) "Falling in Love Again"
2) "Lili Marlene"
3) "I Never Slept a Wink Last Night"

Frenzic

I'm writing this so that I can avoid playing Frenzic. I am so addicted — I'm trying to get ready for this big party at my house next week, and instead of doing laundry and washing dishes and vacuuming and the other four dozen things I need to get done I have spent most of the morning playing this game.

Frenzic is kind of like Tetris in that it's a puzzle game, but the pieces look a lot like those Trivial Pursuit game pie pieces. You have to fit the pieces — which come at you very rapidly (hence the name of the game) — into one of six circles. It is a pain in the ass. A "friend" gave this to me, and then I blew through my free demo time, and now, for the low price of $14, I have signed away all of my free time to this game.

I love it, but it may be killing me. I'm not sure. And yes, I interrupted writing this to play another game. http://frenzic.com.