Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and not just because the slutty costume trend indulges my inherent tendency to show off my boobs. Halloween — and the rest of October, really — is when my favorite show in the whole world, Coast to Coast AM, goes batshit.

Coast to Coast AM is a radio show that may be familiar to you if you happen to be an insomniac or long-haul truck driver. I've been listening to it for about 12 years. It's now hosted by the affable George Noory, but used to be helmed by Art Bell, a gravel-voiced, chain-smoking, disappearing act of a host who now returns to do specials like Ghost to Ghost AM.

Ghost to Ghost is held every night on Halloween (in my area, the nightly show starts with a rerun at 10 p.m. and is followed by the newest show, which stretches into the wee hours). Ghost to Ghost is when the regular show abandons its usual topics — the UFO wars (go America!), chemtrails, crystal therapy, ancient giants, etc. — and focuses on the paranormal. It is AWESOME.

Aside from Art, who sounds kind of spooky anyway (and who used to be married to Ramona, who dabbled in Wicca but died of a horrible asthma attack and then Art got remarried to this nice lady from the Philippines, like, 30 days later and then he moved there and did the broadcast from the tropics but now they're going to have a kid and it is very exciting because the whole family has moved back to Parrumph, Nevada), the callers to the show are the absolute best.

People wait all year to get on Ghost to Ghost. And when they do, they usually get nervous and then Art yells at them for slowing down the show, which is pretty great. But the best thing is that Art really seems to believe all of them. Plagued by a succubus (what man doesn't think he is, really?)? Art is there for you. See red eyes staring at you from your closet? He understands. Think your child's doll is possessed by the spirit of your dead neighbor? Art has advice!

I'll be listening on Halloween, of course, but I'm also looking forward to tonight's show about ancient astronauts and 2012. Don't know what's going to happen when 2012 rolls around? Poor fool! Let me just advise you to stock up on the bottled water. Might as well start that affair or heroin habit now, too. Time's a-wastin'!