'Footballers' Wives'

I'm a little late to the "Footballers' Wives" party, unfortunately, but I have been making up for it with an almost slavish devotion. It cheers me to know that the British are even better at making trashy TV than we are. (I say that in awe.)

I was looking for something to replace "The L Word," the super tacky Showtime lesbian drama that I have watched faithfully for a few years but that has added too many characters who aren't the least bit fun to watch. Not so with "Footballers' Wives"! If "The L Word" is a candy bar, "Footballers' Wives" is mainlining insulin.

The show ran from 2002-2006 and follows the WAGs (wives and girlfriends) of Earl's Park, a fictional Premiereship team in London. (I got through the first season without realizing that they were saying "earl's" and not "ells.") The main character is Tanya Turner, the blonde, brittle ice queen who is the wife of the slutty team captain Jason Turner.

I cannot say enough about Tanya Turner. I love her so much. I didn't watch "Dynasty" in the '80s, but if I had I imagine that I would have felt the same for Alexis Carrington Colby. Tanya is so scheming yet transparent that you can't help but root for her. Whether she's snorting coke in a ladies' room stall, hiring a body double to do her community service or quoting Robbie Williams during a eulogy, she does it all with fabulous frosty eye makeup and a cheap golddigger wardrobe straight out of the back pages of the Victoria's Secret catalog.

What I love the most about "Footballers' Wives," aside from the trashtastic Tanya, is that it just abandons any pretense of keeping up storylines. Characters — even central characters — are dumped without a hint of explanation or killed off unceremoniously. And thank God. Can someone please do this to Eva Longoria Parker? Every time I get sick of a character he or she conveniently gets traded to another team or dies of anorexia. And nothing is off limits when it comes to advancing the plot: Hermaphrodites, sex with unconscious people, strap-ons, and pedestrian topics like kidnapping, the mile-high club and bribery have all made appearances.

I'd write more, but I have to find out what happened to the rookie and his new bride after they crash landed a hot-air balloon.